The Origin Story of Paul “Cap’n” Crunch

I had to do a great deal of research on Microfiche to find out any details of the origin of Paul “Cap’n” Crunch, but what I found did not disappoint.

Born, Paul Ulysses Cranch, in England on April 27, 1751, to Cornelius and Bessie Cranch, Paul always wanted to follow in his father’s footsteps as a swashbuckler. Cornelius was a well-known swashbuckler at the time. Bessie was a cloth-spinner, she spun wool and linen.

Cornelius died a hero in the Great Breakfast War of 1767. When Paul joined the English Navy, he decided to change his last name legally to “Crunch,” so he wouldn’t get treated differently because of his relation to Cornelius Cranch.

In the Revolutionary War, Crunch had worked his way up to Lieutenant. His ship was taken over, as he acted as “Captain” to try to save his own Captain, but is taken as a prisoner by the United States Navy. Crunch was taken to the United States where he met, Lola Berry, a secret solider from Massachusetts. Berry disguised herself as a man, using the name, Herschel Christ, so she could join the military, which didn’t allow females in at the time. Lola couldn’t help but fall in love with Paul’s charm and big smile, and she helps him break free, fast. The couple marries just six months later. The Crunch-Berry wedding was a big hit. They milked their friends and family for lots of gifts and money.  Nine months later, they welcomed their first daughter, Maritime Crunch, to the family. Paul and Lola went on to have two more children later in their marriage.

Paul’s eldest daughter, Maritime Crunch, was married to Charles Nestle, who’s family owned a chocolate factory. At the Nestle-Crunch wedding, Paul caused a big scene, which eventually led to he and Lola’s divorce. Lola didn’t allow Paul to see his youngest children, so he shaved off his mustache and disguised himself as a nanny so he could see his children. He always said, “Breakfast was the most important meal of the day,” and he created what we now know as cereal. He fed his kids, what he called, “Cap’n Crunch” every morning before school.

After a short hiatus from the military, Paul joins the United States Navy, and earns the rank of Captain. Captain Crunch retired from the military as a war hero after the War of 1812.